Joke of the Day

[Fatboy 18]

Birthdays are good for you.

Studies show that people who have more birthdays live longer.

[daveg]

The delivery company that I work for bought self driving vehicles. This morning, one of them took me to the unemployment office.

[koko_tee]

Lol!!!

[koko_tee]

An Italian, an Indian and a blond construction worker are having lunch at the top of the 64 story building they are working on.

The Italian opens his lunch box and exclaims: "If I get spaghetti & meatballs one more time for lunch, I'm jumping off this building!".

The Indian opens his Tupperware and with an annoyed look on his face says: "If I get tandoori chicken one more time for lunch, I'm jumping off this building too!".

The blond unwraps his sandwich and says: "One more PB&J sandwich and I'm calling it quits! Im jumping! I swear to god!"

The next day, the Italian gets spaghetti and meatballs for lunch. He jumps off the building to his death. The Indian, seeing tandoori chicken, follows the Italian and jumps off. The blond, taking a bit out of his PB&J sandwich stays true to his word and jumps too.

A few days later at the funeral, the Italian and Indian's wives are sobbing and say to each other: "Had I known he wasn't happy with his lunch, I would have packed him something else!". They turn to the blond's wife and find her standing there emotionless. The Italian and Indian's wives being a bit puzzled from the blond's wife's lack of emotions can't help but ask: "How can you not be upset after losing your husband?" The blond's wife responds: "I got nothing, he has always packed his own lunch every morning!"

[Fatboy 18]

[koko_tee]

This one i got from Reddit:

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

[Fatboy 18]

A woman goes to a counselor, worried about her husband's temper.The counselor asks, "What's the problem?

The woman says, "I don't know what to do. Every day my husband loses his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Counselor says, "I have a cure for that. When it seems your husband is getting angry, take a double shot of Jack Daniel's and swish it in your mouth. Swish and swish, but don't swallow it or spit it out until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later, she goes back to the counselor, looking fresh and reborn. She tells the counselor, "That was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband started to get angry, I swished the Jack. I swished and swished, and he calmed down. How does swishing Jack Daniel's in your mouth do that?

The counselor said, "The Jack Daniel's does nothing. Keeping your mouth shut is the trick."

[koko_tee]

LOL!!! Good one!!

[koko_tee]

A man and a woman find themselves in an elevator at a medical center.

The man notices a flyer about blood donations in the lady's hand and casually asks: " Are you here to donate blood?"
"Why yes!", the woman replies.
"That's amazing, how much do you get for donating blood?", he asks.
"They give $10 for every pint of blood.", replies the lady
"That's not bad", replies the man.

The lady proceeds to ask "Are you here to donate blood as well?".
Slightly embarrassed, the man shyly replies: "No, I'm here to donate sperm."
"That's nice of you. You provide couples in difficulty and single women the ability to have children. How much do you get for that?" replies the lady.
"They pay $150 per 1/2 ounce." says the man.

At this point the doors to the elevator open and they part ways.

A few days later, the same man and woman find themselves in the elevator of the same medical center again.
The man asks with confidence "Going back to the blood bank today?"

The lady shakes her head, tilts her head back a tiny bit and mumbles... "No, smerm mank".

[Fatboy 18]

[daveg]

A elderly retiree wobbled gingerly into an ice cream shoppe and carefully, slowly climbed up onto a counter stool.
He wheezed for a minute, then ordered a chocolate sundae.
“Crushed nuts?” asked the server.
“No,” he answered.
“Bad knees.”

[Fatboy 18]

[koko_tee]

Hahahha!!!

[koko_tee]

A man is sitting at a restaurant waiting for a waiter / waitress to come by.

As a waitress is walking past him, he stops her and asks: "Miss, can I ask you a question about the menu please?".

The waitress slaps the man across the face and exclaims: "The men I please are none of your damn business!!!".

[Fatboy 18]

A man goes into a pub and notices a big jar filled with $50 bills on the bar counter and gets curious:

MAN: What is this jar thing, there must be hundreds of dollars in it ?
BARTENDER: We have a small game in our pub. Whoever completes three tasks correctly, wins the money in the jar.
MAN: What are the tasks then ?
BARTENDER: I can't tell you, you have to pay the $50 first.
Man gives the bartender a $50 bill
MAN: Now, what are the three tasks ?
BARTENDER: Well first, you have to finish a bottle of tequila in less than a minute and your face mustn't grin at all. Secondly, there is an angry Rottweiler with a toothache in the backyard. You have to remove this tooth with bare hands. And thirdly, my 90-year-old grandmother lives upstairs and she haven't had an orgasm in 50 years, and you have to give one to her.
MAN: Hell no, I ain't doing all that !
BARTENDER: As you wish ...

The man has a few beers and gets annoyed by the $50 he had lost. He starts to reconsider completing the three tasks, as there is a large cash prize. He goes to the bartender and asks "Where's the bottle of tequila ?" As he gets it, he drinks it empty with one swallow and asks for direction to the backyard, where the dog is. As the back door closes, a very loud noise rises. The man is yelling, the dog is barking, growling and whining... Suddenly, it's very silent. The customers in the bar are looking at each other horrified, thinking that the man is dead. Soon, the man opens the back door and enters the bar, with clothes all bloody and torn. He gasps for a moment and asks "Now where's the woman with toothache ?! "

[Fatboy 18]

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.

It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado.

When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.

So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.

"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

“It hasn't affected my brothers though."

[Fatboy 18]

A thief entered a house mid-afternoon.
He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewellery and money.
The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can kill me also. But please untie the rope and free her.”
Thief: “You must really love your wife!”
Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”....!

[koko_tee]

LMAO!!!!! Epic!

[Fatboy 18]

Your DUCK IS DEAD

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500

[daveg]

The worst time to have a heart 
attack is during a game of charades.

[Fatboy 18]

Please be aware!!!

I ordered a Chinese takeaway last night from a local place (I won't name them) and as I was driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving!! I thought what the hell is that. Has something got in the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out at me. I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers, I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ...
.
And there it was ..




.
.
.
.
A Peeking Duck!

[daveg]

Cute.

[Fatboy 18]

I recently bought a dog from a local blacksmith

I only had him 3 hours before made a bolt for the door!

[Bryan Savage]

I don't want to clog this thread up with responses, so I'll just say that I read all of these and have a good laugh. Please keep it up, all of you!!

[Fatboy 18]

Every week, Manny entered the state lottery hoping to win. He never did. Finally, he prayed vigorously, and hoping for a magical message, he walked around the local fairground.

A flash of lightning struck as he was passing by Nellies carnival stall. She was bending over and he saw she was not wearing panties. He could see the number 7 tattooed on each of her butt cheeks.

He bet on 77, as he thought The gods had given him a sign. He lost again. Sad! The winning number was 707.

Moral of the story: Never underestimate the importance of assholes in your life