Joke of the Day

[Fatboy 18]

Barb was lying in bed one night. Larry was falling asleep but Barb was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me... "

Mildly irritated, Larry reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck..."

Angrily, Larry threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" Barb asked.

"To get my teeth!"

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My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex, but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia!

[Fatboy 18]

Not sure if you guys are aware of a large British Building firm going bust?
Here's what we think!

carrilion.jpg

[Fatboy 18]

While enjoying their evening cocktails, the woman asks her husband, in a very seductive voice, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumbled up?"

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of! her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen 54,567 dollars all crumpled up?"

He said, "No!," trying to hide his excitement.

She said, "Check the garage."

[Fatboy 18]

A flat chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr. Bumbutu in Africa could enlarge your breasts without surgery. So she decided to go to Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her.
Dr. Bumbutu advised her, ‘'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!' “
She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she grew a terrific D-cup rack!
One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said , 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'
A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked ' Are you a patient of Dr Bumbutu's?'
‘Yes I am. How did you know?'
He winked and whispered, ' Hickory dickory dock...’

[BrianACR]

[Fatboy 18]

James Bond is laid off and at the job centre, there are only two jobs available, one in a call centre and the other in a fabric colouring plant.

"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"

"No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "

[Fatboy 18]

cyote.jpg

[Viperenvy]

Fatboy - I am so glad you don't have a life. Hashtag - laughing in bed while wife rolls eyes

[BrianACR]

Fatboy - I am so glad you don't have a life. Hashtag - laughing in bed while wife rolls eyes

Agreed!!!

[Fatboy 18]

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven.”

Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven.”

Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Six.”

Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven!”

Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”

Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a cat!”

[Fatboy 18]

Bill and his wife Blanche go to the Yorkshire show every year,
And every year Bill would say,
" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that there 'elicopter "
Blanche always replied,
" I know Bill, but that 'elicopter ride is twenty quid,
And twenty quid is twenty quid ! "
One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,
" Blanche, I'm 75 years old.
If I don't ride that there 'elicopter, I might never get another chance "
To this, Blanche replied,
" Bill that 'elicopter ride is twenty quid, and twenty quid is twenty quid "
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
" I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny !
But if you say one word it's twenty quid. "
Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,
" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't..
I'm impressed ! "
Bill replied,
" Well, to tell you t'truth
I almost said summat when Blanche fell out,
But tha' knows,
twenty quid is twenty quid"

[Fatboy 18]

While riding my bike yesterday, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my bike, I guess."

[Fatboy 18]

I said to my doctor, "I’ve got a problem with the hearing in one of my ears."

He said, "Are you sure?"

I said, "Yes, I'm definite."

[BrianACR]

Brians 168.JPG

[BrianACR]

A blond and a brunette are out for a coffee together one day. They are good friends and share any problems they have with each other.
The blonde tells the brunette "My husband has started to have real problems with dandruff, and it's bothering me. Do you have any ideas how to fix that?"
The brunette replies "Sure do! My hubby also suffered from dandruff for a while."
"Well, how did you fix it?" asks the blonde.
"Real easy. Head&shoulders!"
The blond thinks about it for a minute, then with a slightly puzzled look on her face, looks at her brunette friend and says "I get the first part, but how do you give shoulders??"

[Fatboy 18]

HaHa

[cashcorn]

THE ITALIAN LOVER



A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment.



After awhile, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"



She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.

The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No, I'm Norwegian.

[Fatboy 18]

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long queue of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make theguy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the queue, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply.

"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long queue and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

[Fatboy 18]

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher tried to catch little April out to see if she was paying attention in class. She called on her while she was napping. "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pen and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April, and the teacher said "Very good," and little April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour", but April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and struck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April, and the teacher said "Very good," and April fell back asleep once more.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had their twenty-third child?" And once again, Johnny jabbed her with the pen. This time April jumped up and shouted "IF YOU STICK THAT F###ING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR F###ING A*#SE!"

The Teacher fainted.

[AZTVR]

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

Literally LOL at this one !!!

[Fatboy 18]

A Russian, living under Stalin, was one of the party faithful. He'd worked hard, never complained and spouted the right political slogan's. He was, after 20 years of Stakhanovite labour, allowed the huge honour of being able to buy a Lada. He went to the factory with his purchase permit.
"Congratulations, Comrade. We will build the car for you in due course. You will have it in ten year's time."
"Ten years?"
"Yes, Comrade. The glorious revolution means this is the greatest car factory in the world. It will be a fine car and worth the wait."
"Will it be in the morning or afternoon?"
"It's in ten years time. Why do you care?"
"Because my new washing machine is being delivered that morning."

[Fatboy 18]

Due to the Snowy weather currently in England I went to the liquor store on my bicycle, to buy a bottle of Jack Daniels.

I put it in the bicycle basket. Then as I was about to leave,I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Jack Daniels before I cycled home.

Bloody good job I did because I fell off the bike seven times on the way home.

[Fatboy 18]

A Guy is walking past a tower block of flats. About five floors up, he sees a man, possibly Iranian, who has a fancy rug slung over the balcony washing line. He's bashing seven bells out of the rug with a carpet beater. Then, he starts slapping the rug repeatedly against the wall.

Our passer by shouts, "What's the matter Achmed, won't it start?"

[Fatboy 18]

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. Eventually they are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.
St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "Then dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle with that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it"...

[Fatboy 18]

Mother: "How was school today, Patrick?"

Patrick: "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"

Mother: "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"

Patrick: "What school?"