Joke of the Day

**Fatboy 18** · 01-26-2018

I’m getting worried that North Korea now has a nuclear missile which can reach New York. That scares the crap out of me.

If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere

**Fatboy 18** · 01-26-2018

One day Larry didn't show up. Bob didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bob really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bob didn't know where Larry lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Larry, but one day, Bob approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Larry!

Bob was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you?

Larry replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Bob. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Larry said, 'You know Jane, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Bob, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury’.

- - - Updated - - -

**Fatboy 18** · 01-26-2018

I got my first ever apology from my wife today .........

She's sorry she ever met me !

**Fatboy 18** · 01-26-2018

I went into the library and asked the librarian "Do you have a book about assassinations?"

The librarian said "We did but Its been taken out.”

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It's proving very difficult to find a shop selling "Left Guard" for my other armpit

**Fatboy 18** · 01-26-2018

I had a good job when I left school, working in a bank.

I was bringing home £500 a week until they caught me...

**Fatboy 18** · 01-26-2018

The Psychiatrist and The Proctologist
Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.
Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist, and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors. The town council was livid and insisted they change it.
The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High Colonics - no go.
Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives - thumbs down again.
Then came Minds and Behinds - still no good.
Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes - unacceptable again!
So they tried Nuts and Butts - no way. Freaks and Cheeks - still no good. Loons and Moons - forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:
Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends.

**Fatboy 18** · 01-26-2018

Where is Zimbabwe's capital?

In a Swiss bank account.

**Fatboy 18** · 01-26-2018

A NFL Defence player walks into a bar, and a lady
recognizes him,
They start to talk, and eventually go back to his place.

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt.

On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

"What's that for?" the lady questions.

"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV,
people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his
leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

'What's that ?' the lady questions again.

"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid
when this tattoo is seen on TV."

Then the man drops his underwear and on his
penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"

The man replies: "No, no.....!!! Calm down,"
"It will say ADIDAS in a minute...........!!!"

**Fatboy 18** · 01-26-2018

This woman was cheating on her husband, when he thought she was out at Bingo she was really meeting her lover in the local churchyard.

One night she came home and was getting undressed and her husband said to her:-

"I've never noticed that before"

She replied:- "What's that?"

He said "Your arse died in 1895!"

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Meanwhile........

A communist joke isn't funny unless everyone gets it.

**Fatboy 18** · 01-26-2018

Picked up a Kosher cook book yesterday

recipe for Jewish omelette

First..... borrow three eggs

**Fatboy 18** · 01-26-2018

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson, Guido, to his bedside. I wanna you lissina me. I wanna you to take-a my chrome-plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business. You gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home, and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up'?"

**Fatboy 18** · 01-26-2018

A friend received this response from Channel 4...

Dear Mr Tempest,

On behalf of Channel 4, may I firstly thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your ex wife for our new upcoming reality TV show. Also the charming photograph you enclosed of her. Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the program if selected, I would point out that there appears to be some misunderstanding of the programmes content and the correct title of the series, which is actually, "Fact Hunt".

Kind regards,

Director of Programmes Channel 4.

**Fatboy 18** · 01-28-2018

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman was waiting for a bus wearing a tight leather skirt.

When the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile at the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

She again tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn’t. More embarrassed, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more but much to her chagrin, she still could not raise her leg. A third time, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt still more but was still unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. The woman went ballistic, turning to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, “How dare you touch me! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled back and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

**Fatboy 18** · 01-28-2018

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.

I understand that you are a sales lady …. well, I am in sales also. What do you sell?”

She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”

“No I wouldn’t,” he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.

“Well if you must know”, she answered, “I sell Tampax.”

With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath..

She said, “See I knew you would laugh.”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied, “I’m a toilet paper salesman, So I’m still a hole behind you!

**Fatboy 18** · 02-03-2018

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't workout? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took m................

... onths to find a priest in heaven, how long do you think it’s going to take to find a divorce lawyer?

**Fatboy 18** · 02-03-2018

Paddy got a call from his doctor. “I’ve some bad news for you… you have cancer and it can’t be cured. I’d give you two weeks to a month.”

Paddy, shocked and saddened by the news, managed to compose himself. He saw his son who had been waiting. Paddy said, “Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t so well. I have cancer and I’ve been given a short time to live. Let’s head for the pub and have a few pints.”

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Paddy’s old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Paddy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad… he went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, “I’ve only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS.” The friends gave Paddy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Paddy’s son leaned over and whispered, “Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!”

Paddy said,”I am dying from cancer, son, I just don’t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I’m gone.”

**BrianACR** · 02-05-2018

Haha some more good ones!

**Fatboy 18** · 02-09-2018

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.
How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said,
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.
For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years?
That's a pretty long time to perform.
How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said,
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.
For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said,
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years?
Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,
the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you!

**Fatboy 18** · 02-09-2018

Husband: My wife is missing! She went fishing yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I'm not sure, 5-1/2 feet tall maybe.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: I have no earthly idea.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown, but not positive.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe brown now, maybe some highlights.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a t-shirt and shorts, or maybe those yoga pants things, not really sure.

Sergeant: Did she go fishing in a boat?

Husband: Yes.

Sergeant: What kind of boat was it?

Husband: A 2017 Skeeter fx21 with a 2017 Yamaha 250 SHO. 2 brand new 10' Power Pole Anchors, GoPro setup and mounts, Skeeter travel cover, TH Marine deck lights and LED strips in rod box and tackle compartments. 12" Atlas Hydraulic jackplate, Hotfoot, and TH G-Force trolling motor handle on the Minn Kota 112lb Fortrex, 4 bank Minn Kota charger. Odyssey Cranking battery and 3 New Interstate batteries, Lowrance HDS9 Gen2 at console, HDS9 Gen3 at bow w/spotlight scan, Loc-R-Bar, and Blinker Pro Trim. 64 hours on the motor and warranty good through 2021.

Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Boat.

**Fatboy 18** · 02-09-2018

Two guys meet up in a bar.
The first one asks, “Did your hear the news – Mike is dead??!!!”
“Woah, what the hell happened to him?”
“Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom – He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof – Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.”
“What a horrible way to die!”
“No no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So, he’s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.”
“What a way to go, that’s terrible!”
“No no, that didn’t kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.”
“Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!”
“No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him.”
“Man, what a way to go!”
“No no, he survived that, he survived that! He’s lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.”
“Now that is one awful way to go!”
“No no, he survived that…”
“Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?”
“I shot him!”
“You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?”
“He was wrecking my house.”

**BrianACR** · 02-09-2018

A recent study found that there is more money being spent on breast implants and viagra today than there is on Alzheimers research. They determined that by the year 2040 there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, big erections, and absolutely no idea what to do with them.

**BrianACR** · 02-09-2018

A family is at the dinner table and the son asks his father "dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"
The father, somewhat surprised, replies " well son, there's 3 phases a woman goes through. The first in her 20's. They're like melons, nice and round and firm. In her 30's and 40's, more like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50 they are like onions."
"Onions??" the son asks.
"Yep, onions. you see them and they make you wanna cry."
This infuriated the wife and daughter. The daughter decided to ask her mother "mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?"
The mother smiles and replies "Well dear, there are three phases also. The first when a man is in his 20's, and his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. However, after his 50's it's like a Christmas tree."
"Huh? A Christmas tree?"
"Yes dear, a Christmas tree. Dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."