Joke of the Day

[Fatboy 18]

Two men walk into a deserted bar to get a couple of drinks. Nothing unusual in that except that although one is normal size, the other is only 7 inches tall.

The normal size man places him carefully on the bar top and orders a pint for himself, and a half for his pal.

The bartender is fascinated by the little guy, who is busying himself on the bartop collecting beermats so he can climb up to reach his glass for a drink, and has somewhere to sit down.

The normal sized man starts a conversation with the barman, and explains that he and his companion are independently wealthy, and set out 20 years earlier as "Adventurers". In fact they have now visited every country in the world.
The barman says "Cor, I'll bet you can tell a few stories then!"
"Stories!" cries the man, "Stories!, We can tell you some stories!" and turns to the little guy and says....
"Tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called that witchdoctor a right tw@t!"

[Fatboy 18]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say One thing.” What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two lady parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

Thank you," the woman responded, "This may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed.............................,






................................"Put those bloody beads away Frank, Our prayers > have been answered ! "

[Fatboy 18]

A guy is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the Police.
The police officer approaches him and asks:
"Have you been drinking Sir?"
Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?"
No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly.
It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"

[Fatboy 18]

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening"

You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

[Fatboy 18]

A shepherd is talking to his sheep dog and asks:

"How many sheep do we have in the 7 acre field ?"

The sheepdog replies "50"

The farmer looks puzzled and says "that's strange, there should only be 47"

Sheepdog replies "Yes, I know, I rounded them up"

[Fatboy 18]

After numerous rounds of: "We don`t even know if Osama is still alive"

Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know that he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of Coded message.


****370H-SSV-0773H** ****


Bush was baffled so he emailed it to Condoleezza Rice, Condo and her aides had not a clue either so they sent it to the F.B.I.

No-one could solve it at the F.B.I so it went to the CIA and then to NASA

Eventually they asked Britain`s MI-6 for help.


Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply.



"Tell the President he is holding the message upside down"

[Fatboy 18]

You are driving at a constant speed,on your left is a sheer drop,on your right is a fire engine travelling the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level, also travelling at the same speed .
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation???
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Get the hell off the kiddies carousel you drunk fool

[Fatboy 18]

I drove past a cemetery on the way to work yesterday morning and saw four men wandering around carrying a coffin between them.

When I drove home yesterday evening the same four men were still wandering around, carrying the same coffin.

I thought to myself "they've lost the f*cking plot".......

[Fatboy 18]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair starts
shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women in that way?
What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person.
Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general... and all in the name of humour."

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells: "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit sitting on your knee".

[Fatboy 18]

A blind man enters a Lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar
stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while the blind guy
yells to the bartender: "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?'

A deathly silence transcends the bar. In a deep, husky, menacing voice,
the
woman next to him says: "Before you tell that joke, you should know
something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6'
tall, 200lb blonde with a black belt in Karate. What's more, the woman
sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your
right is a blonde and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously,
Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man pauses to think, and says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to
explain it five times.

[Fatboy 18]

The founder of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson,
died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "You've
been a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world. Your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "So you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycles, eh?"

Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me...

"God commented, "Well, what's the big deal about inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road!?!"

Arthur was embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me but aren't you the inventor of woman???"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust; and
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.

[Fatboy 18]

Three Labrador retrievers - one brown, one yellow and one black were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's surgery when they struck up a conversation.

The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"

The brown lab replied, "I'm a wee'er. I wee on everything - the sofa the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I wee'd in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's sofa. "

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab enquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too." The dejected yellow lab said then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, postboxes, what ever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"

The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

[Rand]

Too funny - not sure where you find all these jokes, but pls keep them coming! This is by far my favorite thread!!!!!!!

[daveg]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[Fatboy 18]

Good one

[Viperenvy]

Contributing Member:

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?

The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially' you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically' we're living with two hookers and a future congressman.""

[Fatboy 18]

Very good

[Fatboy 18]

I had a tour of a brewery the other day.

There was a man spreading out dried grain. "This is Fred," I was told, "he takes care of the barley."

There was a man stirring something in a big copper kettle. "This is Dave, he takes care of the yeast."

There was a man bouncing up and down on one leg. "Who is that?" I asked.

"This is Mike. He takes care of the hops"

[daveg]

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"
The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?"
The man answers, "Now the problems start!"

[daveg]

A husband tells his wife,
"Since it is your birthday, remember that yellow Lamborghini that you really wanted?".
The wife screams in joy and starts crying tears of joy.
Then the husband says, "Well I got you a toothbrush, same color".

[daveg]

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."
So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"
"Blind man!"
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

[daveg]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

[Rand]

That last one is a good one for the Thanksgiving table ... NOT! Seriously, all of them are very funny! Thx!

[Fatboy 18]

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner...
So I took the battery out of the smoke detector!

[BrianACR]

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner...
So I took the battery out of the smoke detector!

I'm lucky to have a wife who is a great cook