Joke of the Day

[Rand]

Loved the one about Akio! Have already shared it with a number of friends - thanks and keep them coming!!!!

[Fatboy 18]

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things
are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who
is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have
an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a
season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a
hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at
the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't
shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane,
aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and
went 'bang, bang'.

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now,
what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a
couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
_________________

[Fatboy 18]

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum
velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with
airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it
on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements
were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken
hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield,
smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console,
snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the
back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the
experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged
the British scientists for suggestions.
You're going to love this......


Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:


"Defrost the chicken."

[Fatboy 18]

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.
As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, 'Gee, she's fat!'

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet.

A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they
Would go and announced; 'I'll bet her butt is this wide!'

The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy. The mother gave him a
Good telling off, and told him to be quiet. After a brief lull, the large
Woman reached the front of the line Just as her pager begins to emit a
Beep, beep, beep.

The little boy yells out, ' Mum, Run for your life, she's backing up!!'

[Fatboy 18]

Two Jewish men, Sid and Al were sitting in a restaurant in Guadalajara, Mexico, Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?" Al replied, "I don't know, lets ask our waiter." When the waiter came by, Al asked him "Are there any Mexican Jews?"

The waiter said, "I don't know señor, I'll ask the cooks." He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said, "No señor, no Mexican Jews." Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked "are you absolutely sure?" The waiter realizing he was dealing with Gringos gave the expected answer, "I'll check again, señor" and went back into the kitchen.

While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere." The waiter returned and said, "Señor, the head cook said there is no Mexican Jews."

"Are you certain?" Al asked once again. "I can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"

"Señor, I asked EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter, "All we have is orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews....."

[Fatboy 18]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror
as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the
next hole. The ball hit one of the men and he immediately
clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and
proceeded to roll around in agony.

The women rushed down to the man, and immediately began to
apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I
could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him. "Oh,
no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man
replied.


He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened
his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and
artful massage for several long moments then asked..."How does
that feel?"



He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts."

[Fatboy 18]

A woman stopped by her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

What are you doing?" she asked.

I'm waiting for your son to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed!

This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

Love dress? But you're naked!" said the mother-in-law.

Your son loves me to wear this dress," daughter-in-law explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and it goes on for hours. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.

He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

What are you doing?" he asked.

This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

[Fatboy 18]

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to
consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I
have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed
with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get
something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a
second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now wh
at are
you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service
to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah
? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more
time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the
phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn
hole!

[Fatboy 18]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup,
the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined
with horrible stress."
"If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning,
fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good
mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially
nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard
day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress
worse. And most importantly. Make love with him many times a week & satisfy
his every whim."
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband
will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.

[SilverACR]

@fatboy 18 Bloody hell! LMFAO! it will be sad the day that this thread stops getting populated... cheers my friend!

[Fatboy 18]

A trick or treater dressed as Gloria Gaynor came to our door, first i was afraid i was petrified....



__________________________________________________ __




This morning I saw a cloaked figure trying to clear his frosty windscreen with a scythe. I said to the wife I'll go out and help him out, she said I shouldn't as I'd be de-icing with Death.

[Fatboy 18]

Two guys at the local beach see a pregnant woman drowning .
They quickly rush in and bring her to shore.
One starts to do CPR and the other rips her clothes off and puts his head between her legs .
What the hell are you doing ? Exclaims his buddy .
You save the woman , I'll save the baby !

[Fatboy 18]

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college, I dated a passionate girl but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency. She was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big t*ts.

[Fatboy 18]

A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he asks, "sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful...

"Christ!" he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I had sex with on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and did some interesting things with a cucumber!"

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"

[Fatboy 18]

There is a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2
monkeys and a woman on board.
The control centre in the US calls:

"Monkey number 1, Monkey number 1 to the television
screen." He sits down and he is told to release the
pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature in
engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors. So the
monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases
the oxygen.

A few moments later the control centre calls again:

"Monkey number 2, monkey number 2 to the television
screen." He sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide
to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3,
to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar
radiation. So the monkey does the
carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and
the analysis of solar radiation.

A little later on, headquarters calls again:

"Woman, please woman approach the screen."
She sits down and just as she is about to be
told what to do she says.....
"I know I know!!
Feed the monkeys, don't touch anything."

[Fatboy 18]

A man walks into the doctors....
Doc - "Hello. How can I help you?"
Man - "I've got an orange willy doc."
Doc - "What??"
Man - "My willy - it's turned orange."
Doc - "Umm... I'll have to look that up.... It seems it could be a sign of
stress; do you suffer from stress?
Man - "Not really."
Doc - "What about stress at work?"
Man - "Well, I did have a nightmare job, a complete idiot for a boss, I
worked 80 hours week for pennies and then I got the sack."
Doc - "That sounds very stressful."
Man - "Yeah, but my new job is great - half the hours, 3 times the salary
and I feel really appreciated."
Doc - "Umm... what about your home life?"
Man - "Well, my girlfriend is a complete cow, she nags non-stop and puts
me down every chance she gets."
Doc - "That sounds stressful."
Man - "Yeah, but I'm leaving her and I've never been happier."
Doc - "Umm... what about your social life?"
Man - "Social life? I don't really have one."
Doc - "Really? What do you do in your spare time?"
Man - "Watch porn and eat Cheesy Wotsits."

[Rand]

Good ones!!!!
Here is one you may like:

A man was seated in a plane when an attractive woman sits besides him.
He notices her name tag says NAN. So being interested, he greets her and says hi Nan!
She looks at him puzzled and says my name is not Nan.
He smiles and says he was just reading the name tag.
She explains the tag is an acronym for National Association for Nymphomaniacs.
Now she really has his attention, so he starts asking questions about the Association.
She explains that through their research they have learned a lot about sexual tendencies related to ethnicities.
For example, she said we discovered that rednecks provide the best oral sex, American Indians have the most sexual stamina and Jewish men are the most patient with foreplay.
Without missing a beat, he replied "Let me introduce myself, my name is Geronimo Goldstein, but my friends all call me Bubba!"

[ViperSRT]

And in today’s overly PC society the NAN would immediately call over a stewardess and have you arrested/detained for some sort of sexual related crime.

[Fatboy 18]

HEHE DEAD RIGHT!

[daveg]

Q: Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve?
A: All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.

[daveg]

I got fired today...
My boss told me “when you come to work you leave your problems at the door”.
I told him to stand outside.

[Fatboy 18]

Two wind turbines .. One says to the other " listen to much music?"

Other says , " I'm a big Heavy metal fan"!

[Rand]

Little Johnny was known to make bets with his other friends in grade school and it concerned the teacher and his parents.
One day Johnny was being particularly full of himself and said to the teacher: "I know you better than you know yourself!"
The teacher did not reply.
Johnny then said "In fact, I bet you $20 that you have a mole on your left butt cheek".
The teacher thought this may be a good chance to break Johnny of his betting since she knew she did not have a mole.
So she grabbed Johnny and said you have a bet! They went to the cloak room and she pulled down the left side of her pants and panties and showed Johnny that there was no mole. Johnny apologized and paid the $20.
The teacher called his parents and the father answered. She explained what happened and the father said "Oh no! Johnny bet me $50 this morning that he would see your ass before the day was over!". Smart kid!!!!

[daveg]

Guy: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.
Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No. They spread.

[Fatboy 18]

The Battle of Trafalgar (21 October 1805)
England Expected once.

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it.......... full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness, and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged
with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid
lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, s*domy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about s*domy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy."
_________________