Joke of the Day

[Fatboy 18]

How do you tell the difference between a Male Ant and a Female Ant

Put Ant in a bucket of water, if it sinks its a Girl Ant. If it floats its a Boyant

[Vprbite]

How do you tell the difference between a Male Ant and a Female Ant

Put Ant in a bucket of water, if it sinks its a Girl Ant. If it floats its a Boyant

Chemistry joke or dad joke? Hmmm.

[golfer15]

I'm using this one...dad joke !!

[Fatboy 18]

Well I thought it was funny

[1ststrike]

I will expect another good joke tomorrow.

[Fatboy 18]

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing 5 Dollars in Quarters. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was very impressed listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'I think so. Provided those Assholes at Home Depot deliver the god dam bricks and Lumber.

[No hemi]

[Fatboy 18]

A beautiful blonde woman boards a plane to L.A. with a ticket for coach. Once she boards, she chooses an empty seat in first class. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman she has to move back.

The blonde replies, “I’m young, blonde and beautiful, and I’m going to sit here all the way to L.A.”

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain. The captain goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde’s ear.

She immediately gets up, hugs the captain and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The flight attendant asks what he said to the woman.

“I just told her that the first class section isn’t going to L.A.”

[City]

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing 5 Dollars in Quarters. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was very impressed listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'I think so. Provided those Assholes at Home Depot deliver the god dam bricks and Lumber.

Thanks! Great laugh.

[Fatboy 18]

Went to see the US Navy Blue Angels

So many near misses, screams of "ooh" and "aah"

Eventually my wife managed to park the car and we saw the show!

[Vprbite]

Haha. That reminds me of when I was younger and had just started dating a girl but things got a pretty heated pretty fast. After only a couple times of going out, she's at my house banging on the door, the Windows, screaming at the top of her lungs. She just wouldn't stop. Finally I just gave in and let her out,

[drviperdds]

Went to see the US Navy Blue Angels

So many near misses, screams of "ooh" and "aah"

Eventually my wife managed to park the car and we saw the show!

Myself and many others on here I'm sure can relate to this. LOL

[Fatboy 18]

Bert, 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”

Margaret, 75, looked him over.

“Nope.”

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Bert yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?”

“Nope. Not a clue,” she replied.


“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!”

Without missing a beat, Margaret replied, “Shoulda bought a hat, Bert! Shoulda bought a hat.”

[supersnake]

When the Olympics were in Vancouver, this old couple from Ontario were driving from Ontario to B.C. for the festivities. They stopped for gas at a Full Serve. The attendant come out and the old guy was out striking up conversation. The attendant asked him where are you headed? The old guy says were headed to the Olympics in Vancouver. His wife is hard of hearing and screams out WHAT DID HE SAY!!! The old guy says he just wants to know where we are going. The attendant says were are you from? The old guy says we are from Ontario. The Old girl says WHAT DID HE SAY? Old guy says he just wants to know were we are from!!. The attendant says yea I knew a girl from Ontario that was the worst piece of ass I had ever had!! The old girl says WHAT DID HE SAY!! The Old guy says THIS KID THINKS HE KNOWS YOU

[Fatboy 18]

HAHA! Good one

[BrianACR]

Bert, 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”

Margaret, 75, looked him over.

“Nope.”

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Bert yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?”

“Nope. Not a clue,” she replied.


“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!”

Without missing a beat, Margaret replied, “Shoulda bought a hat, Bert! Shoulda bought a hat.”

[City]

I'm really starting to enjoy this thread!

[Fatboy 18]

Guy driving through the countryside when his car splutters and comes to a stop.

He lifts the bonnet and is looking around the engine when he hears a voice saying "Check the plug leads"

He looks up and there is no one there, strange he thought, returns to look at the engine when again a voice says "Check the plug leads", again he looks up, no one there, anyway he checks the plug leads and sure enough they are loose.

He drives into the village and nips in the pub for a beer. He was telling the barman about what happened and the voice he heard, when the barman said "Was there a white horse in the field"

He says "Matter of fact there was"

Barman says "Your lucky sir, the Black one knows nothing about cars".

[1ststrike]

Great jokes keep them coming!

[Fatboy 18]

Dear United -- my mother in law will be flying from Miami to Denver tomorrow to visit us at 9:30 a.m. on flight 1344, sitting in seat 8A. You know what to do.

[BrianACR]

[GuitarSteve2112]

Dear United -- my mother in law will be flying from Miami to Denver tomorrow to visit us at 9:30 a.m. on flight 1344, sitting in seat 8A. You know what to do.

[Fatboy 18]

I had to change her Facebook password yesterday.

I chose "delicatebaggagehandlerforrestgump".

(It had to be case sensitive and contain a special character.)

[Fatboy 18]

A police officer calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

[BrianACR]

Ho Chow call in to work one day and says "Hey, I no come to work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt, I no come to work"
The boss says "You know something Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you, I go to my wife and ask her for a little lovin. That makes everything better and I go to work."
Two hours later Ho Chow calls again "I do what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon....and boss, you got really nice house"