Joke of the Day

[Fatboy 18]

One day in Heaven, Moses and Jesus are having a chat. One says to the other "How do you fancy giong back to Earth for a day just for old times' sake?". The other agrees and so they find themselves relaxing on a boat on the Sea of Galilee.

Moses says to Jesus, "Do you reckon you could still do miracles?".
Jesus says, "Of course. How about you?"
Moses says, "I'm pretty sure that I could as well. How about we have a contest? We each do our best miracle".
Jesus accepts and asks what Moses thought was hs best miracle so Moses says "Parting the waters of the Red Sea".
"OK. Try and part the waters". So Moses stands up, holds out his arm and commands the waters to part. A dry path appears from the boat to the shore. Jesus says to Moses, "That's really impressive. Nice one!".

Moses asks Jesus what he thought was his best miracle so Jesus says "I think walking on water was my best one". Moses says "Go on then", so Jesus steps over the side of the boat - and promptly sinks, Moses grabs His robes and pulls Jesus back into the boat gasping for breath.

"What went wrong? Why didn't it work?"

"I don't really know. But I didn't have these holes in my feet last time I tried it".

- - - Updated - - -

I had a game of quiet tennis today.
It’s like regular tennis just without the racket.

[Fatboy 18]

woof.jpg

[daveg]

Keeping with the animal theme..

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: “How do you breathe through that little thing?”

[Rand]

Good ones!!!! Keep them coming!

[ACR-ISH]

"I don't really know. But I didn't have these holes in my feet last time I tried it".

That was funny. I almost couldn't read it out loud for fear of being hit by lightning... but well played, sir.

[Fatboy 18]

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!
"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again." The operation went well and a year later he was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great," he says. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."

"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking and every time I get an erection, I get a headache."

[Fatboy 18]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,

"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on Car or bike parts instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't had either of those in over 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up Drinking, Cars and Motorcycles."

[Fatboy 18]

The Tomato Garden

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey .
He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.
I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to
dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire
area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

[Fatboy 18]

A guy with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large Engineering firm when he left the Army.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry...we can’t hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So he reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanising all over the country!"

"Womanising? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a Chemist shop, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

[Rand]

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor.
The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, you need to try to startle or surprise yourself."
So that same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife.
That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position.
The man felt the urge to ejaculate and reached under his pillow and fired the starter pistol.
The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went.
The man responded, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

[sonicbloo]

A Woman Was out Golfing One Day when She Hit the Ball into the Woods:

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her. "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said. "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes."

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said. "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her. "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."

The woman replied. "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said. "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said. "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, ABRA-KADA-BRA-KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered. "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers:

Please scroll down!

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen! Now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love

[Fatboy 18]

Oooof! Hope your wife does not read that one

[Fatboy 18]

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A bird pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause:
When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

The scientific conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Truck."

[Rand]

Good one!!!!!

[daveg]

LOL... I do say Cah!!!

[daveg]

Figured I would return the favor...

Q: Know why the British don't make computers?
A: They couldn't figure out how to make them leak oil!

[Fatboy 18]

HaHa, Yes I own a 1977 Triumph Motorcycle

[SilverACR]

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A bird pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause:
When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

The scientific conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Truck."

I did some growing up in Boston and all I can say is LMFAO! OMG! That is wicked Pissah Bro!

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LOL... I do say Cah!!!

I’m guessing your remote control is a clickah as well!

[Fatboy 18]

And the First Christmas cracker Joke............. Why does Donald Trump have his Christmas dinner on a plastic plate? He doesn't get on with china. tada!



My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.

Went out. Had a few drinks. Sound lad. He’s a web designer.

[Fatboy 18]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their
ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians".

One week later, the British authorities reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in North Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f*** all.
Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."

Just makes you bloody proud to be British, don't it!

[Fatboy 18]

Just been into Costas and the barista was wearing a face mask!

I asked 'Why are you wearing a surgical mask?

she said i'm not, It's a coughy filter.

[Fatboy 18]

Some bad news, not been feeling my best over the last few days I just wanted to let everyone know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I have only gone and bloody poisoned myself, thanks to my own culinary skills. What I thought was an onion for my curry turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.

[Fatboy 18]

An Irishman, a Scot, a Welshman and an Englishman were captured by terrorists and told they were going to be shot dead.

They were each granted a last wish.

The Irishman said he’d like to watch a recording of ‘Riverdance’ one last time.

The Scot said he’d like to go out listening to a recording of pipers playing ‘Flower of Scotland’.

The Welshman said the sound of a Welsh male voice choir singing ‘Myfanwy’ would send him to his grave a happy man.

The Englishman said: “I’d like to be shot first”

[Fatboy 18]

SENIOR ROMANCE

Barb was lying in bed one night. Larry was falling asleep but Barb was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me... "

Mildly irritated, Larry reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."

Angrily, Larry threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" Barb asked.

"To get my teeth!"

[Fatboy 18]

TOOLS EXPLAINED

DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'

DROP SAW : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..
TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.

HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.