Joke of the Day

[Fatboy 18]

Walking through the woods this afternoon I came across a suitcase with six fox cubs in it.
I rang the Animal Rescue centre and told the woman the tale.
"Are they moving " she asked me?
I said I didn't know but it would explain the suitcase

[Fatboy 18]

My Mrs suggested I make more of an effort in the bedroom & to spice things up and suggested we use toys.

The ungrateful cow- it took me 2 hours to set up that Scalextric

[Fatboy 18]

Florida Man walks into a bar with his pet gator and takes a seat on a stool. The other patrons recoil in fear.

"Hey Y'all, she's harmless, wouldn't hurt a fly... See?"

Florida Man proceeds to unzip, take out his Johnson, place in Gator's mouth, beats Gator on the head with fists, pull out, display unscathed Johnson, re zip, and with his arms akimbo state, " See, all safe. She's a cream puff. Anybody afraid now? No? Any body else want to try?"

From the back of the beer hall, a hand is raised... "OK I'll do it, just don't beat me on the head like that."

[Fatboy 18]

A man walks into a Welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.

The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from? You sound English".

"I'm from across the Severn in England," replies the man nervously.

"What do you do, just across the Severn ?".

"I'm a taxidermist."

"What on earth is one of those?"

"I mount animals."

"Its alright boys," shouts the barman "he's one of us."

[Fatboy 18]

Do you know the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo???

One is a bit heavy ,the other is a little lighter

[Fatboy 18]

Asked a friend of mine from North a Korea how it's going.

He said said "I can't complain"

[Vprbite]

Asked a friend of mine from North a Korea how it's going.

He said said "I can't complain"

That's good!

[Vprbite]

The Scotsman and the Englishman live next door to each other. One day, the englishmans chicken walls over t the scotsmans property and lays an egg. The Scotsman, never one to waste or miss a free opportunity picks up the egg. Englishman says "hay that's my egg!" Scotsman says "no it's not he laid it on my property" So the Scot says let's be fair, I'll kick you in the nuts as hard as I can. Then you kick me. We go back and forth till someone quits. Englishman agrees. Scotsman winds up and drives the Englishman square in the goodies. After ten minutes of heaving the Englishman gets up and says "my turn." The Scotsman grins and says "eh keep the egg I'm allergic."

[Unlimtd]

The Kosher butcher celebrated Passover by going to the Matza Ball.

[Fatboy 18]

A man sees a sign outside a house:
'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the CIA.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at JFK to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Twenty Dollars!" The owner says.
"$20? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying Son of a B###H He's never been out of the garden!"

[Fatboy 18]

Wanted - Welders, immediate start from $12-$18/per hour.

When he arrived he was told he'd have to take a welding test. He turned in 2 sets of welds. One was a great weld, the other was a mess. When the boss asked him why he did this he replied "One is $12/hr, the other is $18/hr".

Dodge then paid him $12 an hour

[Fatboy 18]

Tough Choice...

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man’s head. The wife shouted: “Don’t do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!”

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, “what would you do?”

The cabby said, “I’d cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold.”

[Fatboy 18]

I put up a high voltage electric fence around my property over the weekend

My neighbour is dead against it

[Fatboy 18]

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.

The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable for the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy,’ and I would nod my head and say ‘Yes, it was.’

The men would ask, ‘Can I borrow that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t, it’s all booked up for a year.’”

[Fatboy 18]

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...

[theviper]

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...

That was great!!

[Rand]

Yes, another good one I will steal and tell my buddies!

[Fatboy 18]

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket
on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.

"What's the morale of that story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a
dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're
hatched'."

"That was a fine story Sarah."

Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane
got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the
whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them
with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed
the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the f**k away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking."

[Fatboy 18]

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!”

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his fu**in' widow

[Fatboy 18]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and chatting among friends.
Suddenly, in a flash of light, Satan appeared in front of the congregation!

Everyone started screaming and running for the exits, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one Geordie cowboy who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The old fella replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope' he said.

'Don't you realise I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The old Geordie calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

[Fatboy 18]

CROW KILLS...

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from avian flu.

A bird pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely not avian flu.

The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an ornithological behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The ornithological behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause:

When crows eat road kill, they always have a lookout crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

[Fatboy 18]

Children in the backseat can cause accidents.
Accidents in the backseat can cause children.

Be careful out there!

[Fatboy 18]

This morning I was in luck and was able to buy 4 cases of Coors Lite dead cheap at the local supermarket.

I placed the boxes on the back seat and headed back home. I stopped at a filling station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the 4 boxes of Coors Lite, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" ... I thought for a few seconds and said , "Sure, what kind of beer 'ya got?"
_________________

[Fatboy 18]

I was sitting at a red traffic light yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green.

A car-load of bearded young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-British slogans, with a half- burned Union Jack flag stuck to the boot lid of their car and a "Remember 7-7" slogan spray-painted on the side, stopped next to me.

Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akhbar!" and took off before the lights changed.

Out of nowhere, a bus came speeding through the cross roads and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Bloody hell! That could have been me !"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a bus driver.

[Fatboy 18]

That Welsh Place


Lunch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwrndrobwyllllantysilio gogogoch.

On a beautiful summer's day, two American tourists were driving through Wales .

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysili ogogoch,

they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the blonde waitress,

'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us.

Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?'...........



The girl leaned over and said,

'Burrr … gurrr … king'