Joke of the Day

[Fatboy 18]

Meanwhile back at the monastery in the early hours of the morning, there is an almighty racket going on, whooping, shouting screaming.

One of the local residents is really hacked off with the noise, goes over and bangs on the door.

The Abbot opens it and says "Yes my son can I help you"

He says "Do you know it's nearly three in the morning and all this noise is keeping everyone up, what on earth is going on in there"

The Abbot says "We are holding a monks ball"

Man says "Well if you let it go maybe we could all get some sleep"!

[Fatboy 18]

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick.

So he dialed the employee's home phone number after a number of rings he was answered by child's whisper
"Hello?"
'Is your daddy home?' '
Small voice whispered, 'Yes, he's out in the garden ,'
May I talk with him?'
The child whispered,' No.'
So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there?'
'Yes she's out in the garden too'
The boss asked; 'May I talk with her?'
Again, 'No'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
'Yes, whispered the child,' a policeman . '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
'No, He's busy,' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'
'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men. '
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
It's a helicopter 'answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
'The search team just landed a helicopter
' A search team?' said the boss.
'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.... 'ME '

[DEMO MAN]

Keep them coming, really liking this thread

[BrianACR]

Here is one my 7 year old daughter brought back from school: What happens when a frog parks illegally? It gets toad.....

[Fatboy 18]

I like that hehe

[Fatboy 18]

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship".

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!

[Fatboy 18]

Two blondes are in a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A game warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any." replied the first woman.

"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the game warden.

"But officer," replied the second girl, "we aren't fishing. All we have are magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The game warden lifted up the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," shrugged the game warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the game warden left.

As soon as he was out of sight, the women started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb warden, doesn't he know that there are steelheads in this river?"

[Fatboy 18]

Moral for the week......

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh .."

"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh .."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person ..............."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain ...................

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

[Rand]

Just found this thread and love the jokes!
Here is one you may like...

One day an oil rig worker was driving around downtown in his new pickup. He was taken with all the tall buildings and other sights and was not paying enough attention to his driving. A short while later, he rear-ends a beautiful new Dodge Viper. He says to himself, "this is not going to be good". A moment later the door to the Viper flies open and a very angry midget appears. He looks at the damage to his car and then walks up to the pickup and says "let me tell you, I am NOT happy"! The guy in the pickup, rolls down his window, looks down and says "OK, which one are you?" That is when the trouble really began...

[City]

Hadn't visited here in a while. Just got my weekly laughs!

[Fatboy 18]

I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator this morning.

I was standing just in side the door when she got in, and I started to oggle her ample boobs, when she said -

"Will you please press one"

So I did, can't remember much after that.

[Fatboy 18]

Shamelessly stolen from the Stickered up for Lemans thread.

[Rand]

LOL - good one!

[sonicbloo]

[Fatboy 18]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with five young mothers & their small children.

"You all have obsessions", he stated. "I am concerned that these individual obsessions are going to impact your children”.

To the first mother, Mary, he said: "You are obsessed with
eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy”.

He turned to the second Mum, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. It manifests itself in your children's names, Penny, Goldie and Frank”.

He turned to the third Mum, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your children's names: Brandy and Sherry. You even called the cat, Whisky”.

He then turned to the fourth Mum June: "Your obsession is with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daphne & Poppy".

At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered: "Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Grab Fanny and Willy, we're going".

[City]

LOL!!!!

[Fatboy 18]

[Fatboy 18]

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, "Saul, I have some good news and, I have some bad news." The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first." The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right." Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?" The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."

[Fatboy 18]

The pessimist sees the dark tunnel
The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel
The realist sees the train

The train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks...

[Fatboy 18]

[BrianACR]

Lol too bad its actually true... Well, at least here in Canada it is.

[Fatboy 18]

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, “Why would anyone want to go there.
Its crowded and dirty and full of Italians, you’re crazy to go to Rome, so, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking TWA,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“TWA!” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline, their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late, so, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”
“That dump! That’s the worst hotel in Rome, the rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced, so, whatcha doing when you get there?”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him, he’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours, you’re going to need it!”.......

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut, the barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful,” explained the man, “not only were we on time in one of TWA’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class.
The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel! Well, it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke a few words to me.”
“What’d he say?”
He said, “Where’d you get that terrible haircut?”

[Rand]

Great jokes - pls keep them coming!!!!

[Rand]

A Rabbi, a Hindi and a lawyer were all in a car driving through a rural part of the country one evening and their car broke down. They were unable to get any cell reception so they looked around and saw a farm house with a light on that was not too far away.
The three walked to the house and knocked on the door and explained to the farmer of their car trouble. They asked if they could spend the night. The farmer replied that he lived there alone but only had two guest bedrooms and one of the three would need to sleep in the barn.
The Rabbi said he had grown up in a rural setting and would be fine spending the night in the barn. So all go to their respective rooms and the Rabbi heads to the barn.
About 15 minutes later, the farmer hears a knocking at the door. When he answers, the Rabbi is standing there and says he has a problem. He was not aware the barn had pigs and he could not spend the night with these animals as they are an affront to his religious beliefs. The Hindi says that he grew up in a very poor environment and so he would spend the night in the barn. So all go to their respective rooms and the Hindi heads to the barn.
About 15 minutes later, the farmer hears a knocking at the door. When he answers, the Hindi is standing there and says he now has a problem. He was not aware the barn had cows and given his religious beliefs, he cannot spend the night their. The lawyer is irritated with the two religious men and says if it is the only way he can get some sleep - he will spend the night in the barn. So all go to their respective rooms and the lawyer heads to the barn.
About 15 minutes later, the farmer hears a knocking at the door. When he answers, the pig and cow are standing there...

[Fatboy 18]

hehe