Joke of the Day

[Viperenvy]

Finally.....I stopped Laughing to post

Top Ten Things that Sound Dirty at Thanksgiving but Aren't...

10. "Just reach in and grab the giblets."

9. "Whew...that's one terrific spread!"

8. "I am in the mood for a little dark meat!"

7. "Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist."

6. "Talk about a HUGE breast!"

5. "And he forces his way into the end zone!"

4. "She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down."

3. "It's cool whip time!"

2. "If I don't unbutton my pants, I am going to burst!"

. . . and the number one thing that sounds dirty at Thanksgiving but isn't . .

1. "It must be broken 'cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out."

[BrianACR]

Hahaha that's awesome!!!

[Fatboy 18]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry : "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks : "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks : "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks : "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Fire truck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong"

[Fatboy 18]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,

"OK, I give up. Where's the f*****g ship?"

[Red Snake]

lol, awesome

[Fatboy 18]

Jack Daniels have just released an Oscar Pistorius advent calendar.

A shot behind every door...

[Fatboy 18]

Presents may be delayed this year!

santa fan.jpg

[daveg]

Since we are on the subject.

Q: Why is Christmas just like your job?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Q: Why is Santa so jolly?
A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Q: Why doesn't Santa have any kids?
A: He only comes once a year

[BrianACR]

Speaking of Santa a gifts...
Ever try to buy your daughter a Barbie? So many options. Cowgirl Barbie, City Barbie, Dressed up fancy Barbie...And the list goes on.
But why was there never a Pregnant Barbie????
Cuz Ken always came in a different box

[Fatboy 18]

Hehe

[Fatboy 18]

In a dark and hazy room, peering intently into a crystal ball, a Gypsy mystic delivered extremely grave news.

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken and with tears starting to appear in the corners of her eyes, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She brushed away the tears, took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind from racing.

She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?".

[Viperenvy]

Please just delete that ......

[Fatboy 18]

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to the earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window I muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail!

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night you told me to go fly a kite.

[Fatboy 18]

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb.

I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00am tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already...I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!”

The dentist thought to himself ”Well, well, a golfer with real balls!!"

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, honey, and show the dentist.”

[Fatboy 18]

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.
The town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Scotland .
It was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:
"My wife is from Scotland."

[Fatboy 18]

A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well but the trouble was he kept winking and stammering.

The interviewer said, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we're looking for, the fact that you keep winking and stammering disqualifies you."

"Oh, that's no problem," said the man. "If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking and stammering for an hour."

"Show me," said the interviewer.

So the man reached into his pocket. Embarrassingly he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety - ribbed, flavoured, colored and everything before he found the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin and soon talked perfectly and stopped winking.

The interviewer said, "That's amazing, but I don't think we could employ someone who'd be womanizing all over the country."

"Excuse me!" exclaimed the man, "I'm a happily married man, not a womanizer!"

"Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?" asked the interviewer.

The man replied, "Have you ever gone into a pharmacy, stammering and winking, and asked for a packet of aspirin?"

[Fatboy 18]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married'.

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own fking blanket!'

The End

After a moment of silence, he farted.

[Fatboy 18]

Old Josh was sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair when he noticed his grand-son kneeling on the lawn with a worm. When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came.

"If you can get that worm back in that hole I'll give you ten dollars," said Josh.
His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house. A few minutes later he returned with his mother's hair spray. He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray. The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard. It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole.

Josh was amazed. He gave the boy ten dollars, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.
About an hour later Josh came back into the garden and gave his grand-son another ten dollars.
"But grandpa," said the boy, "you've already given me the ten dollars you promised."
"That's from your grandma," said Josh.

[Fatboy 18]

Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop?

__________________________________________________ __________________

My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.

I gave her super glue by mistake.

She's still not talking to me!

[Fatboy 18]

An old couple were sitting on the porch one afternoon rocking in their rocking chairs. All the sudden the old man reaches over and slaps his wife.

She says, "Well what was that for?"

He says, "Thats for 40 years of rotten sex!"

She doesn't reply and they start rocking again.

All the sudden the old lady reaches up and slaps her husband.

He says, "Well what was that for?"

She says, "That's for knowing the difference!"

[Fatboy 18]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

Happy Christmas Everyone

[Fatboy 18]

A bloke goes to the doctor's and the doctor asks "What seems to be the problem?"

"I think I'm a goat"

"Really? And how long have you felt like that"

"Since I was a kid....."

[Fatboy 18]

It takes 3 country and Western singers to change a light bulb, one to change it and the other two to sing about how great the old one was.

[Rand]

All the jokes are great but especially liked the one about the 3 men at the pearly gates! Merry Christmas!

[Fatboy 18]

Ed and Nancy met whilst on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived only a few miles apart in the same city Ed was ecstatic. He immediately asked her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies and museums. He became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, he said, "I guess you can tell that I'm very much in love with you, but I'd like a serious talk with you before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I ask you a life changing question, it's only fair that I warn you that I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now."

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "That certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too. However, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know something about me too. For the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed, thought for a minute, and then said, "You are probably not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.