How do you tell the difference between a Male Ant and a Female Ant
Put Ant in a bucket of water, if it sinks its a Girl Ant. If it floats its a Boyant :smilielol:
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How do you tell the difference between a Male Ant and a Female Ant
Put Ant in a bucket of water, if it sinks its a Girl Ant. If it floats its a Boyant :smilielol:
Chemistry joke or dad joke? Hmmm.Quote:
Originally Posted by Fatboy 18
I'm using this one...dad joke !!
Well I thought it was funny :D
I will expect another good joke tomorrow.
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.
At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing 5 Dollars in Quarters. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.
At the bank, the female cashier was very impressed listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'
'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'
The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:
'I think so. Provided those Assholes at Home Depot deliver the god dam bricks and Lumber.
:):):):)
A beautiful blonde woman boards a plane to L.A. with a ticket for coach. Once she boards, she chooses an empty seat in first class. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman she has to move back.
The blonde replies, “I’m young, blonde and beautiful, and I’m going to sit here all the way to L.A.”
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain. The captain goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde’s ear.
She immediately gets up, hugs the captain and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The flight attendant asks what he said to the woman.
“I just told her that the first class section isn’t going to L.A.” :)
Thanks! Great laugh. :dude3:Quote:
Originally Posted by Fatboy 18
Went to see the US Navy Blue Angels
So many near misses, screams of "ooh" and "aah"
Eventually my wife managed to park the car and we saw the show!
Haha. That reminds me of when I was younger and had just started dating a girl but things got a pretty heated pretty fast. After only a couple times of going out, she's at my house banging on the door, the Windows, screaming at the top of her lungs. She just wouldn't stop. Finally I just gave in and let her out,
Myself and many others on here I'm sure can relate to this. LOLQuote:
Originally Posted by Fatboy 18
Bert, 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”
Margaret, 75, looked him over.
“Nope.”
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Bert yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?”
“Nope. Not a clue,” she replied.
“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!”
Without missing a beat, Margaret replied, “Shoulda bought a hat, Bert! Shoulda bought a hat.”
When the Olympics were in Vancouver, this old couple from Ontario were driving from Ontario to B.C. for the festivities. They stopped for gas at a Full Serve. The attendant come out and the old guy was out striking up conversation. The attendant asked him where are you headed? The old guy says were headed to the Olympics in Vancouver. His wife is hard of hearing and screams out WHAT DID HE SAY!!! The old guy says he just wants to know where we are going. The attendant says were are you from? The old guy says we are from Ontario. The Old girl says WHAT DID HE SAY? Old guy says he just wants to know were we are from!!. The attendant says yea I knew a girl from Ontario that was the worst piece of ass I had ever had!! The old girl says WHAT DID HE SAY!! The Old guy says THIS KID THINKS HE KNOWS YOU
HAHA! :smilielol: Good one :)
:smilielol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Fatboy 18
I'm really starting to enjoy this thread! :)
Guy driving through the countryside when his car splutters and comes to a stop.
He lifts the bonnet and is looking around the engine when he hears a voice saying "Check the plug leads"
He looks up and there is no one there, strange he thought, returns to look at the engine when again a voice says "Check the plug leads", again he looks up, no one there, anyway he checks the plug leads and sure enough they are loose.
He drives into the village and nips in the pub for a beer. He was telling the barman about what happened and the voice he heard, when the barman said "Was there a white horse in the field"
He says "Matter of fact there was"
Barman says "Your lucky sir, the Black one knows nothing about cars".
Great jokes keep them coming!
Dear United -- my mother in law will be flying from Miami to Denver tomorrow to visit us at 9:30 a.m. on flight 1344, sitting in seat 8A. You know what to do.
:smilielol:
:smilielol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Fatboy 18
I had to change her Facebook password yesterday.
I chose "delicatebaggagehandlerforrestgump".
(It had to be case sensitive and contain a special character.)
A police officer calls the station.
“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”
Ho Chow call in to work one day and says "Hey, I no come to work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt, I no come to work"
The boss says "You know something Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you, I go to my wife and ask her for a little lovin. That makes everything better and I go to work."
Two hours later Ho Chow calls again "I do what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon....and boss, you got really nice house"
;) ;)
Meanwhile back at the monastery in the early hours of the morning, there is an almighty racket going on, whooping, shouting screaming.
One of the local residents is really hacked off with the noise, goes over and bangs on the door.
The Abbot opens it and says "Yes my son can I help you"
He says "Do you know it's nearly three in the morning and all this noise is keeping everyone up, what on earth is going on in there"
The Abbot says "We are holding a monks ball"
Man says "Well if you let it go maybe we could all get some sleep"!
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick.
So he dialed the employee's home phone number after a number of rings he was answered by child's whisper
"Hello?"
'Is your daddy home?' '
Small voice whispered, 'Yes, he's out in the garden ,'
May I talk with him?'
The child whispered,' No.'
So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there?'
'Yes she's out in the garden too'
The boss asked; 'May I talk with her?'
Again, 'No'
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
'Yes, whispered the child,' a policeman . '
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
'No, He's busy,' whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men. '
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
It's a helicopter 'answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
'The search team just landed a helicopter
' A search team?' said the boss.
'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.... 'ME '
Keep them coming, really liking this thread
Here is one my 7 year old daughter brought back from school: What happens when a frog parks illegally? It gets toad.....
I like that hehe
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship".
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!
Two blondes are in a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A game warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any." replied the first woman.
"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the game warden.
"But officer," replied the second girl, "we aren't fishing. All we have are magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The game warden lifted up the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," shrugged the game warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the game warden left.
As soon as he was out of sight, the women started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb warden, doesn't he know that there are steelheads in this river?"
Moral for the week......
The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.
"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The man replied, " Edinburgh .."
"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh .."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person ..............."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain ...................
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
Just found this thread and love the jokes!
Here is one you may like...
One day an oil rig worker was driving around downtown in his new pickup. He was taken with all the tall buildings and other sights and was not paying enough attention to his driving. A short while later, he rear-ends a beautiful new Dodge Viper. He says to himself, "this is not going to be good". A moment later the door to the Viper flies open and a very angry midget appears. He looks at the damage to his car and then walks up to the pickup and says "let me tell you, I am NOT happy"! The guy in the pickup, rolls down his window, looks down and says "OK, which one are you?" That is when the trouble really began...
Hadn't visited here in a while. Just got my weekly laughs! ;)
I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator this morning.
I was standing just in side the door when she got in, and I started to oggle her ample boobs, when she said -
"Will you please press one"
So I did, can't remember much after that.
Shamelessly stolen from the Stickered up for Lemans thread. :p
https://thumbsnap.com/s/QFXMuubM.jpg
LOL - good one!
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with five young mothers & their small children.
"You all have obsessions", he stated. "I am concerned that these individual obsessions are going to impact your children”.
To the first mother, Mary, he said: "You are obsessed with
eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy”.
He turned to the second Mum, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. It manifests itself in your children's names, Penny, Goldie and Frank”.
He turned to the third Mum, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your children's names: Brandy and Sherry. You even called the cat, Whisky”.
He then turned to the fourth Mum June: "Your obsession is with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daphne & Poppy".
At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered: "Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Grab Fanny and Willy, we're going". :D